I haven’t kept it a secret that a couple of years ago that I was diagnosed with major depression and general anxiety disorder. The diagnosis really explained a lot of things in my life, I’ve been thankful to have that insight into my personality and to take steps to work on it.
Earlier this year my wonderful hubs says he wants to talk. I haven’t kept him in the dark about things though talking about them is not in my skill set so I should open up more and often. I can’t lie to him, and I don’t mean my love for him prevents a lie from slipping passed my lips, I mean that he and I have been together 16 years now and even if I were to try, he knows right away I’m feeding him a line of bullshit. He might not always call me on it, which is sometimes a mixed blessing, sometimes you don’t want to be a bother but wish it was forced out. If you’ve been in that particular spot you know what I mean.
But I’m getting off topic.
He wanted to talk, and the sit down official talk isn’t something he is known for so you know its something important. He says that he’s noticed in the last few months he’s noticed that I just haven’t seem “into” pretty much anything. He wanted to let me know that he was behind me and said he wanted me to do whatever it was that made me happy, basically I could do anything I wanted.
Did you just get teary eyed like I did?
He was right, like he usually is, I hadn’t been into things. The idea of being open to doing anything though, you’d think, would set your mind ablaze with all the things you could do, what you love and how you could proceed. I’m not sure if its because of my anxiety… I’m pretty sure it is… but that wide open, generous, and amazing sentiment, just froze me up. My brain screeched a midlane halt and pulled over with the emergency blinkers on. My brain can go 90 miles a minute, heck, I have to take pills to shut the damn thing up; I’ve taken up crochet at night before I read to slow it down (which works wonders actually) so the screeching of mental tires is kind of strange. I have things that trigger my anxiety (email! that’s a big one) but this was the same but not.
I spent a couple months playing around with my art. Its never been a secret that I grew up using a realistic drawing style that I still enjoy, my patreon peeps get the fruits of that labor, and thought maybe that my heading away from that and going to my Odd style was leaving me unfulfilled, like in the back of my mind I was ashamed that I wasn’t using my roots. If you’ve ever had anxiety you know that when your brain comes on to an idea like that it seizes on it and kind of beats you over the head with it. My anxiety has always been coupled with a distinct lack of self confidence/esteem so of course that happened. I had also been wondering what would I even do as a freelance artist? I do it on rare occasion already but its not the same thing as going at it full time. I like plans, big unknowns are not my natural way to go.
Thru this time I’ve been sullen, distant, and my depression played its role in keeping me in a darker place, questioning a lot of things. I asked J, my hubs, what he thought I should do and his honest answer was he had no clue, it wasn’t a world or line of work he was familiar with. I was on my own. I don’t blame him for that, I’d rather him say he had no clue than making something up. I’ve been disheartened for the last few months, enjoying my time with the kids (when they aren’t all about Xbox) and hubs this summer but not very “into” anything else. In the back of my mind still pondering everything I had, have, could have, without much headway, still a pretty blank hole.
Depression is a funny thing. You care but you literally give no fucks, it hurts you when things go to shit but you could just watch it burn. Anxiety steps in and you freak out about those things you couldn’t care less about that you actually do love. One or the other is not a fun time, both is quite tiring and pulling on opposite ends. I do have my prescriptions but I think that there isn’t something that will “cure” either one, just make it so you can live, handle life without balling or freaking out, calm it down into a smaller monster. You can still trigger it, I think the wide open gulf of hub’s offer was a big trigger. I say that not to make him feel bad, you can believe he’ll read this at some point, but as an explanation. I’ve let things slip, dropped the ball on quite a few things, and upset some people in the process. I can’t excuse it with this, I should still get things done, but its an explanation.
In the last week or so I’ve been composing this post, periodically, in my head, drawing for my Patreon, working on Digi Stamps for September and posting WIPs of it on my art Instagram. Its been a slow realization from how I felt a couple months ago but I really do love my Odd Style. I like artists who have a style, you should see my art IG feed, and shouldn’t worry myself about having one of my own. I can still, easily, do my realistic style, but I have more fun drawing Odd-ly. My love for sharing my art and Some Odd Girl wasn’t in doubt, luckily, thru this process, it was all simply about me and what I can or could do.
Some Odd Girl can evolve with me, it can be anything I want it to be. Knowing myself I can take out the things that trigger my anxiety/depression and keep or expand on the things that make me happy. The things I’ve started implementing might not be the most popular but I’ll keep my sanity a bit more in the process. Shipping is one of those things. We will still have clear stamps but on a only for a limited time, exclusive, no restocks basis and less often. I would be excited to draw sets for a company like Simon Says Stamp that would do the fulfilling/production on a regular basis, critters especially but I’m not going to stress myself about things like that. I love to draw and won’t stop so it won’t stop me if its just me on my own.
I think I’ve finally bared my soul here in one expansive post, bravo if you’ve read this far. I hope if nothing else its explained my in/actions over the last few months. I feel like understanding will help things immensely. Help me get back on track and turn everything back around into a positive direct, go back to having fun with it and not stressing myself so much.